Tourists
Below is the full script for a two-mission storyline that seeks to evoke the feeling of a Deep Space Nine comedy episode. In this instance, our two main characters, the DS9 Ferengi barkeep Quark and Founders factotum Weyoun, form an unlikely “buddy” duo enjoying a mercantile road trip to see what the Alpha Quadrant has to offer the discerning consumer.
Tourists Part 1
Join Quark and his unlikely companion on a unique tour of the Alpha Quadrant.
Objective 1 - Go location (DS9, Bajor): Head to Quark’s Bar on Deep Space 9
Maia
Commander, we have an incoming message from Deep Space 9. From our old friend Quark, to be exact. Patching it through now.
Quark
Greetings, Commander! I’ll get straight to the point. I have a business proposition that may be of some interest to you. I think you’ll find it a profitable use of your ti...
Weyoun (OFF)
Inform them that monetary recompense is no object.
Quark
What? What’s the matter with you? You never tell anybody that! And kindly leave negotiations to me, please, when the time comes. Sheesh.
Quark
Where was I? Ah yes, Commander, so, if you’d like to make a reasonable amount of money, come and meet me on Deep Space 9 and I’ll tell you more.
Weyoun (OFF)
We have lots of latinum to spend!
Quark
Will you shut up! Quark out!
Maia
I can see your curiosity has been piqued, Commander. Setting course for the Bajoran system.
Objective 2 - Go planet (Risa): Travel to Risa to begin the tour.
Quark
Commander! Such a pleasure to see you again. I’d like to introduce to an, ah, acquaintance of mine. This is Weyoun, a visitor from the Gamma Quadrant. He... Commander, what’s the matter?
Quark
You know this man? You’ve met?
Weyoun
If I may interject. Commander, I am new to this sector of space. However, you may have had interactions with one of my predecessors.
Quark
Weyoun is a cloned Vorta, Commander. Apparently, you just can’t get enough of him.
Weyoun
Do I detect a hint of sarcasm in your voice, Ferengi? Well, no matter. The point, Commander, is I am a new Weyoun. I have never met you nor any of your crew.
Quark
Yes, well, to business. As the Vorta said, this Weyoun has never visited the Alpha Quadrant before, and he’d like to go on a little sightseeing trip, to sample all the wonderful things we Alphans have to offer.
Quark
In the interests of, ah, cultural diplomacy, I’ve offered my services as a guide.
Weyoun
Cultural diplomacy and a hefty fee, I might add.
Quark
You pay for quality. Besides, I thought monetary recompense was no object with you people. Anyway, Commander, I might know the best places to go but I lack the means to travel between them.
Quark
That’s where you come in. We’d like to hire your services as transport on our tour of the Alpha Quadrant. As you may have gathered, you’d be paid very handsomely, so what do you say?
Quark
Excellent! A wise choice, Commander. Well, our bags are packed and we’re ready to go, isn’t that right, Weyoun?
Weyoun
I am indeed most eager to embark on what I am certain will turn out to be both an entertaining and instructional excursion across your space. Where to first?
Quark
Where does anyone go if they want a sensational start to a sojourn around the galaxy? To Risa!
Objective 3 - Go planet (Khitomer): Head for Klingon space.
Quark
So, how are you finding the very personal attention of the Risans? They provide a very intimate service tailored to suit all individual tastes.
Weyoun
Does everyone in the Alpha Quadrant enjoy being basted?
Quark
Excuse me?
Weyoun
So far I have been smeared in various oils on no less than six occasions. Unless... oh dear, am I to be cooked and fed to one of your false deities? How unfortunate. I was so looking forward to trying gagh!
Quark
Good grief, no. Are you telling me you didn’t find any of that... stimulating? Surely you Vorta must...
Weyoun
Yes?
Quark
You know.
Weyoun
What?
Quark
Well, the pleasures of the flesh and all that.
Weyoun
I’m a vegetarian.
Quark
Oh boy. You’re going to find gagh as disappointing as this place then. Still, you might enjoy some Klingon blood wine.
Weyoun
I told you, I’m a vegetarian.
Quark
Don’t panic, it’s not actual blood.
Quark
I think.
Quark
Alright, if Risa isn’t doing it for you, let’s head to Klingon space and try a few of their delicacies. Although, don’t let them hear you calling them that. Come on. Khitomer’s nice this time of year.
Objective 4 - Defeat fleet (Khitomer space): Escape the angry Klingon.
Weyoun
Ugh, what an insipid concoction!
Klingon Barkeep
WHAT?
Weyoun
From what my guide here told me, Klingon blood wine would attack my tastebuds, punch a hole in my stomach and put hairs on my chest. A genetic impossibility, by the way. Vorta have no body hair.
Weyoun
But this warm tasteless liquid is a great disappointment.
Klingon Barkeep
You have impugned my honor, pale monkey, and for that you will taste my blade!
Quark
Now, now, steady on. This is just a minor cultural misunderstanding is all. I’m sure we can...
Klingon Barkeep
DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!
Quark
Run!
Weyoun
Oh my.
Objective 5 - Go planet (Jihao, Lainey system): Visit the Horta Caves of Jihao.
Quark
I don’t think it’s a good idea to hang around Klingon space anymore. Maybe we should go take a look at one of the 7,777 Wonders of the Galaxy instead.
Quark
I know! The planet Jihao in the Lainey system!
Weyoun
What’s there?
Quark
Only the Molten Mural Caves of the Horta, an incredible tapestry of Hortan history carved into the very rock itself.
Weyoun
Horta rhymes with Vorta!
Quark
Oookaaaay, there is that too. But these caves are incredible. A group of Horta were relocated to Jihao just 100 years ago and what they have managed to achieve in that time is, well, breathtaking.
Weyoun
Horta. Vorta. Horta Vorta. Vorta Horta!
Quark
Right. Um, Maia?
Maia
Yes, Mr Quark?
Quark
Can we set a course for Jihao in the Lainey system, please?
Maia
On our way, Mr Quark.
Objective 6 - Go location (Lainey space): Return to the ship.
Weyoun
PAIN!
Quark
What? What’s happening?
Weyoun
PAAAAAAAIIIIIIINNNNNN!!!
Quark
Are you touching an Horta! I said, don’t touch the Horta! I mean, I know it’s hard to tell them apart from the rocks, but you can’t touch them, especially if you’re telepathics. Are you telepathic?
Weyoun
PAAAAIIINNN!!!
Quark
Weyoun! Snap out of it! Tell me what’s wrong!
Weyoun
I stubbed my toe! On something titled The Firepool of Creation over there.
Quark
Oh.
Weyoun
Let us leave this hateful place at once!
Quark
But look at the markings on the walls! I’m reliably told they’re amazing! And I know it must be true because I’ve seen how much it’s all been insured for.
Weyoun
How can this craggy death trap be so beloved? No, I don’t believe it. Take me back to the ship. Now!
End Dialog
Quark
How’s your toe?
Weyoun
Healing.
Quark
So, what counts as art for the Vorta?
Weyoun
The Vorta have no need of it.
Quark
No need of art? But aesthetics are a very lucrative market. It’s such a wasted opportunity.
Weyoun
The Vorta get to look upon the brilliant light of their Gods every day. What manufactured sensation could possibly compare with irrefutable proof of the Divine?
Quark
I suppose not much if you put it like that. I’ll leave you to rest up while I plan the next stage of our journey.
Tourists Part 2
Quark and Weyoun continue their tour of the Alpha Quadrant.
Objective 1 - Go location (Rator): Travel into Romulan space.
Quark
I could do with a drink. Klingon blood wine didn’t do it for you, so maybe some Romulan ale is what you need to stimulate those taste buds of yours.
Quark
I warn you now, it’s incredibly powerful stuff. It’s so potent, it’s actually banned inside the Federation!
Weyoun
Banned indeed? I understood the Federation was the most permissive of societies.
Quark
When it suits them, sure.
Weyoun
Interesting. Paradise isn’t all it’s cracked up to be then. This knowledge will be of use to the Founders. Yes, great use.
Quark
Excuse me?
Weyoun
Oh, nothing, nothing. So, Romulan ale! Very well, Quark. Let us partake of this powerful, illicit beverage of which you speak.
Quark
Great! Maia, take us into Romulan space.
Objective 2 - Defeat fleet (Rator): Flee the furious Romulan Patrol.
Romulan Patrol
Independent ship. Halt your engines and state your business in Romulan territory.
Quark
Oh, hey, hi! Nothing nefarious, friend. I’d just like to give my friend some real Romulan ale is all.
Romulan Patrol
Quark?
Quark
Uhhh...
Romulan Patrol
It is you, you perfidious double-crossing toad!
Weyoun
It does sound like he knows you, Quark.
Quark
Look friend, I’m sure whatever passed between us was just a simple misunderstanding.
Romulan Patrol
Oh, did I misunderstand being locked in one of your holosuites while associates of yours stole my ship?
Romulan patrol
Did I then misunderstand being manhandled off Deep Space 9 by the Changeling, even though my desire to kill you was justified, and prohibited from ever returning?
Quark
I do recall something like that, but I was pretty sure that involved a Commander.
Romulan Patrol
I was demoted for losing my ship, Ferengi. Prepare to die!
Quark
Get us out of here!
Objective 3 - Go location (Thaspa, Orion system): Visit the sensory abundance tanks in Orion.
Quark
You know, come to think of it, I remember I have a few bottles of Romulan ale stashed behind my bar, so maybe we don’t need to waste any more time around here.
Quark
No visit to the Alpha Quadrant would be complete without a trip to the Orion sensory abundance tanks on Thaspa. And I can’t think of anybody who needs some sensory overload more than you.
Weyoun
I assure you, my senses are more than overloaded by the blazing light of the Founders.
Quark
Yeah, yeah, I got it. We’re still going.
Objective 4 - Donate Resources (Thaspa, Orion): Pay the Orion merchant.
Orion Merchant
We’re closed.
Quark
What are you talking about? I can see people going in and out right now.
Orion Merchant
I’m not responsible for what outsiders see and don’t see.
Quark
Oh come on. Please. I’ve been telling my friend how amazing the sensory abundance tanks are. Nowhere else in the galaxy has them.
OM
A disappointing day for your friend then.
Weyoun
Not necessarily. I believe I am learning a great deal about how this quadrant works. Please, carry on with your amusing exchange.
Quark
Alright, I know how the game is played. How much is it going to take for you to let us through?
OM
300,000 dilithium ought to do it.
Quark
WHAT?
OM
That's the price. Pay or don’t pay, it’s up to you. I don’t care.
Quark
I can see that.
OM
Well?
Objective 5 - Go location (Andoria): Travel to Andoria.
Quark
So, Weyoun, how are your senses coping?
Weyoun
I felt nothing but the tiniest fraction of the sensations I would experience from just the merest glance from a Founder.
Quark
After what that session cost me, that’s all you have to say?
Weyoun
It was also cramped.
Quark
I don’t think I can take much more of this. Alright, one more trip and we’re done.
Weyoun
Fine. Where to?
Quark
Andoria.
Weyoun
Why?
Quark
I don’t know. History or something.
Objective 6 - Go location (DS9, Bajor): Return Quark and Weyoun to Deep Space 9.
Andorian Guide
And that is why Andoria remains to this day such an integral part of the United Federation of Planets, of which we were founding members.
Andorian Guide
Indeed, were an intergalactic war to break out, Andoria would undoubtedly be of great strategic importance.
Weyoun
Fascinating!
Quark
Enjoying yourself at last, I see.
Weyoun
Oh, quite so. This little blue man is a fountain of intelligence.
Quark
He isn’t saying anything you can’t look up yourself on a decent datanet.
Weyoun
Goodness me, are all Alphans so free with their information? It must take all the fun out of espionage.
Quark
Well, no, obviously there’s plenty of stuff that stays behind closed doors. The Federation may be many things, but it isn’t naive.
Weyoun
Yes, I suspect this individual isn’t going to give away the access codes to his world’s security systems during his little talk.
Weyoun
Is he?
Quark
Ah, no. I imagine that’s not included in the history lesson. Alright, Weyoun, fun as this is, I have a business to run. It’s time we were getting back to DS9.
Weyoun
Very well. Thank you, Quark. This trip has been highly illuminating.
Quark
I’m glad you think so. Come on, let’s go.
End Dialog
Quark
What now, Weyoun?
Weyoun
Well, it’s been nice to visit, but there’s no place quite like home, is there? I’m looking forward to returning to the Gamma Quadrant and basking in the benevolent warmth of the Founders.
Quark
Sure, yeah, that sounds, er... nice. I guess. Be sure to give them a good report of everything I’ve shown you.
Weyoun
Oh, you can be certain I will, Ferengi. A good, full report.
Quark
Kinda sounds sinister when you say it like that.
Weyoun
Sinister? Dear me, what an untrusting mind you must have.
Quark
Okay, well, come back anytime.
Weyoun
Oh I will, Ferengi. I will.
Quark
What?
Weyoun
Nothing! Goodbye.