The following short play was staged in Barcelona in 2014.

PLAESTHETICS

A short play by John Lane

CHARACTERS

JENNIFER (COSMETIC GENETICIST)

MRS. VELAMONTAINE (WEALTHY CLIENT)

PLACE

Raffel Pagenetics… a genetic beauty parlour in the future

SET

Enough room for a chair and a small side table for the geneticist’s laptop and equipment

MUSIC

Some sort of easy-listening shopping mall muzak

The lights come up on JENNIFER, wearing a scientist’s white lab coat, and VELAMONTAINE, reclining back in a chair. VELAMONTAINE appears expensively dressed, showing off her wealth. She is also a very pale white. JENNIFER spends a moment adjusting VELAMONTAINE’S breasts before straightening up.

JEN

There we go, Mrs. Velamontaine… all back to standard corporal parameters.

VEL

(Holding and examining her breasts)

Thank you, Jennifer. I have to say, while it was fun, it’s nice to have just the two again.

JEN nods while inspecting VEL’S ears and neck.

VEL

Not that it wasn’t worth it. Your work, as always my dear, was exquisite… and of course it goes without saying greatly appreciated by the cultural ambassador of the three-headed peoples of TriBonce.

JEN

I’m happy to hear it.

VEL

And you were right about those reinforced nipples.

JEN

The TriBoncians are notorious amongst… ah… sophisticates… for the force of their suction nodules.

VEL

(Losing herself in very pleasant memory)

Mmmmm… Quite…

JEN

So, what else can we do for you today, Mrs. Velamontaine? Some simple maintenance, perhaps? Or are you looking for something to be added or taken away?

VEL

I’m not sure. We’re entertaining those ghastly Murdoch-Blairs this weekend. So it has to be something special… something to knock the superior smile off that awful Jacinta woman’s face.

(She pauses as an idea occurs to her…)

I say, Jennifer, do you do superior smiles here?

JEN

We have a whole range of superior smiles, Mrs. Velamontaine… From Gently Self-Assured to Scathingly Arrogant.

VEL

(Looking pleased…)

Really? How marvellous. I shall bear that in mind. Anyway, getting back to the point… I want something that will make Jacinta Murdoch-Blair feel no better than one of the unmodified classes.

JEN

Well, pigmentation is enjoying something of a renaissance at the moment. Perhaps some all-over gold striping?

VEL

I fear that might clash with the wallpaper in the dining hall.

JEN

Hmm… how about a complete covering of opaque blue overlapping concentric circles? I understand concentricity is very big with the ruling corporate families of Japan right now.

VEL

No, no, I don’t think so… No, I think I’ll stick with porcelain white.

JEN

Of course. Classic, elegant and timeless…

VEL

Indeed… and of course it goes with absolutely everything.

JEN taps her teeth in thought

JEN

You know, we could do a lip-conversion.

VEL

Oh?

JEN

It’s an absolutely brand new technique, straight from the Glaxo-Garnier Institute. A slight tweak of the DNA and within the hour you’ll have a full, luscious set of lips fully encrusted with whatever mineral or gemstone your heart desires.

VEL

Oh now I like the sound of that! Can we do diamonds?

JEN

Simplicity itself. An excellent choice, I might add. Diamond will set off the porcelain quite beautifully.

VEL

Not to mention do serious damage to Jacinta Murdoch-Blair’s cheeks.

JEN

(Mock gasping)

Ooh, you’re so wicked, Mrs. Velamontaine!

VEL

You wouldn’t say that if you knew her, darling. She’s a frightful old snake. Definitely a touch of the Ruperts about her…

JEN diplomatically makes no comment.

VEL

Very well, a diamond lip-conversion it is! I say, it won’t hurt, will it?

JEN

(Rooting through her equipment)

Not at all.

JEN picks up and implement which she holds over VEL’S mouth

JEN

Now hold still a moment.

JEN presses a button on the instrument, which lets of a little hiss

JEN

There. Sixty minutes and you’ll have a smile that will literally sparkle, Mrs. Velamontaine.

VEL

You’re a miracle worker, Jennifer. I don’t know what I’d do without you.

JEN

Have you thought about any bio-accessories?

VEL

Hmm, what would you suggest?

JEN

Well, we have a special on babies at the moment. All the best people agree they’re this season’s must-have organic accompaniment.

VEL

Aren’t babies an awful lot of work?

JEN

Not our exclusive range of vat-grown hand-babies, Mrs. Velamontaine. They’ve all been specially designed to receive primary nutrients from the air… and their internal organs have been modified so that all waste is recycled into new nutrients. They’re basically self-contained eco-systems, so no feeding or cleaning is required.

VEL

(Impressed)

Well now…

(Doubtful again)

Still, they make an intolerable noise, don’t they?

JEN

Only if you choose to retain the vocal chords. Even then, they can be sequenced to produce whatever sound you wish.

VEL

Like old-fashioned ring-tones!

JEN

Just so, Mrs. Velamontaine.

VEL

Hmmm. What sort of shelf life do they have?

JEN

Our hand-babies have been genetically encoded so that after a month their molecular integrity destabilizes and they liquefy.

VEL

Ready for something new the next season?

JEN

(Smiling brightly)

Exactly!

VEL

Well… not that it’s an issue mind, but I imagine that’s quite an expense for something so… ephemeral. I may have more than most, but I still require value for my currency-units, Jennifer dear.

JEN

But that’s the beauty of them, Mrs. Velamontaine. You see, once the liquefaction process is complete, you’re left with the highest quality face-cream on the market.

VEL

(On the hook)

Really?

JEN

Your skin will positively glow, I guarantee it.

VEL

I’ll take one!

JEN

Any particular nationality?

VEL

Oh, I’ll leave it up to you, Jennifer. Your judgment has always been impeccable in such matters.

JEN

Thank you, Mrs. Velamontaine.

VEL

You know, before I arrived here, I was dreading this weekend, but now I’m rather looking forward to it.

JEN

If I have been of any help to you in that regard, Mrs. Velamontaine, then I am only too happy to have been of such assistance to so esteemed and valued a client.

JEN moves over to her laptop and punches a few keys

JEN

There, the hand-baby will be waiting for you in reception when you leave.

VEL

Lovely.

JEN

So, the usual touch-ups while we wait?

VEL

Oh yes, dear. Oh, actually, while I think about it…

VEL motions for JEN to come closer

VEL

(In a sort of whisper and pointing below generally)

The – ah – labial region could do with a bit of firming up. Those TriBoncians are certainly… rigorous. And Tarquolemew and I have arranged to have sex this Sunday.

JEN

Goodness, is it October already?

VEL

I know dear… the time really does fly by, doesn’t it? He’s been trekking around the unmodified ghettoes again.

JEN

How awful!

VEL

Agreed. But he says we could learn a lot from their simplicity.

JEN

Ugh. No thank you.

VEL

According to Tarquolemew, the unmodified are a happy people. Quite musical too, apparently.

JEN

Happy? How can that be, Mrs. Velamontaine? What sort of happiness is there in living in squalor? Not that you could call it living. I mean, they still die, for heaven’s sake!

VEL

Oh, I’m with you dear. Tarquolemew thinks that they are the poor victims of fate, symptoms of history, but Father believes they simply lack ambition. Frightful lot. I don’t why we don’t just put them out of their misery once and for all.

JEN

I suppose it would be inhuman…

VEL

(Sighing)

Yes, I suppose it would.

(Perking up)

Still, on the upside, whenever Tarquolomew’s been on one of his little jaunts through the badlands, he does come back rather friskier than usual… So, as I say, it would be nice for him if we were – how to put it delicately – running a tight ship below deck?

JEN

Of course, very good, Mrs. Velamontaine. Well, if you’d care to accompany me, I do believe the Vagyrascope is actually free right now.

VEL

Excellent, my dear…

VEL gets up from the chair and both she and JEN leave the stage, talking as they go… about the weather, holidays, whatever…

END