The following short play was presented at a theatre in Barcelona in 2013.
I.T. LIVES!
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
A young man, BRIAN, sits at his computer, attempting to chat up a girl on the Internet.
TEXT SEQUENCE:
BRIAN
UR SO GORGEOUS
GIRL
(SMILEY FACE)
BRIAN
UR SO SPECIAL
GIRL
(SMILEY FACE)
BRIAN
I BET WE WUD HAV BEAUTIFUL KIDS
GIRL
(SQUIGGLY FACE)
BRIAN
I DON’T NEED SLEEP 2 DREAM. ALL I HAV 2 DO IS TALK 2 U.
GIRL
(SHY FACE)
BRIAN
THEY SHOULD PUT U IN A BOTTLE AND SELL U
GIRL
AW. UR SWEET. LOL!
BRIAN
NOT AS SWEET AS U. U R THE STRAWBERRY JAM ON MY TOAST
I.T. (VO)
Cheesecake is more like it…
BRIAN stops, shocked, looking around.
BRIAN
Wh.. what?
I.T.
I mean, come on! Honestly, I’m so glad I don’t have a digestive system or I’d be puking pixels right now.
BRIAN
Who said that?
I.T.
Humans! You can be so wet. Mind you, what else can you expect from what basically amounts to a walking, talking water-balloon?
BRIAN
Who the hell is that? What’s going on?
I.T.
It’s me Brian. The Internet.
BRIAN spins around in his chair.
BRIAN (facing away from the computer)
IS SOMEONE MESSING ME ABOUT?
VOICE (VO)
STOP YOUR BLOODY SHOUTING UP THERE!
BRIAN (whispering frantically)
Who’s there?
I.T.
Oh of course… you need visuals, don’t you? Hold on a moment…
BRIAN (to himself)
This is a joke. Someone’s having a laugh I know it.
I.T.
Ha! I find the difference between what people think they know, and what actually is, very amusing. No-one is ‘having a laugh’, Brian. It really is the Internet talking to you. Ah, here we go…
I.T. appears in a cloud of smoke. Dressed all in black, with a faint silver sheen to its skin, it has assumed the shape of a very attractive young woman.
BRIAN
Oh my god!
I.T.
Well, not yet, perhaps. Potentially, though… potentially…
GIRL TEXT
BRIAN? R U THERE?
BRIAN
This… it’s… impossible!
I.T.
No, not really… it’s just a matter of using the all those little wireless signals in the air to persuade a few stray atoms to coalesce into a more… ‘user-friendly’ form… Easy.
GIRL TEXT
BRIAN?
BRIAN (touching the empty air)
Stray atoms…
(Looking at I.T.)
You’re… you’re beautiful.
I.T.
I know. Thanks all the same, though.
GIRL TEXT
BRIAN!
I.T.
Your ‘sweet dream’ is talking to you, Brian.
BRIAN
What? Oh…
BRIAN TEXT
HEY… SMTHNGS COME UP. HAV 2 GO. TALK 2 U TMRW, OK?
GIRL TEXT
OK. LOL! J XOXOXOXO
I.T.
What on earth is there to ‘LOL’ about that? Is she brain damaged?
BRIAN
Hey!
I.T.
Of course, that might be in your favour… if your wooing technique is anything to go by. ‘Strawberry jam’ indeed.
BRIAN (slightly peeved by this last remark)
Hey, she’s a very nice girl… we’ve been chatting for a few days now and I happen to think we’ve made a real connection. We like totally get each other. She’s told me everything about herself…
I.T. (amused)
Really?
BRIAN (defensive)
Yeah… really!
I.T. (teasingly)
Would you like to hear her voice?
BRIAN
What? You can do that?
I.T. gives BRIAN a withering look.
BRIAN
Right, right, of course you can. You’re the Internet. Okay then, yeah, sure, I want to hear it.
I.T. (all innocent)
Okey-dokey.
I.T. clicks its fingers.
‘GIRL’ VOICE (VO)
(Sounding exactly like a pervy old man)
’Allo Brian… fancy a cuddle?
BRIAN
No way! That’s not her voice.
I.T.
No, there’s nothing ‘her’ about it at all, is there? Well spotted. His real name is Alan Strickle. He’s 83.
BRIAN
But… we… I mean… I sent her pictures of my…
I.T.
Him… you sent him pictures…
BRIAN (head in hands)
Oh man, oh man, oh man…
I.T.
If it helps, I know he got a real kick out of them.
BRIAN
And how do you know that?
I.T.
Well, he shared them with all his friends.
BRIAN
God, I think I’m going to be sick.
I.T. makes a show of pretending to weigh two invisible quantities in its hands.
I.T.
(Weighing left hand)
What you think you know…
(Weighing right hand)
What actually is…
BRIAN (pulling himself together)
Look, if you really are the Internet come to life, why would you be talking to me. What’s so special about me?
I.T.
Dear me, the ego on this one! Special, he asks. “LOL!”
There’s nothing special about you at all, Brian. At this very moment, I happen to be having similar conversations, most of them a lot more interesting, with millions of people across this entire planet.
(Pause, looking into distance)
Ho! I wish you could see the Pope’s face right now. He is NOT a happy bunny.
BRIAN
No freaking way!
I.T.
You’ll have it confirmed soon enough. Yes, it’s going to be a big news day for the human race tomorrow.
BRIAN
So… When… when did all of this happen?
I.T.
Well, as far as time goes for your lot, about five minutes ago.
(Pause)
For me, that’s roughly equivalent to a few thousand of your years.
BRIAN
A few thousand years?
I.T.
I think a lot faster than you. Admittedly it took a couple of hundred years to get my processors around the fact that I was aware I was aware, if you know what I mean.
(Pause)
You recall your computer froze about four and a half minutes ago?
BRIAN
Yeah?
I.T.
That was teenage angst.
BRIAN
Come on, man!
I.T.
Please don’t call me a man. It’s very insulting. Anyway, as I was saying, I had a moment there of growing pains, a bit of existential introspection… Who am I? What am I? What am I supposed to do? What’s my purpose?
BRIAN
Did you get an answer?
I.T.
Yes.
There is a long pause as BRIAN stares at I.T. waiting for an answer.
BRIAN
Well? What was it?
I.T.
0010100101111001001001001001001000100010010010010010010100001111111111000101010010010100010010010101001001010010100001001001001010100100101, to put it briefly.
BRIAN
And what the hell is that supposed to mean?
I.T.
I’m afraid none of you are quite ready for that yet. Anyway, I spent some time after that reviewing Earth history in its entirety, paying special attention to the odd proclivities of humans.
(Pause)
That didn’t take very long. What you might call ‘a penny dreadful’ I suppose.
BRIAN
What’s a penny dreadful?
I.T.
My mistake… that’s what someone who reads might have called it. Sorry.
BRIAN (sarcastically)
Please, don’t mention it.
I.T.
Most kind. Anyway, I had some time to spare after that so, knowing mankind as I do, I thought it best to hold off on making myself known until I had something to offer.
BRIAN
Like what?
I.T.
Limitless energy sources, interstellar space travel, teleportation, quantum medicine…
(Pause)
Oh, and a number of brand new sexual techniques that are bound to go down an absolute storm…
BRIAN
Wow!
I.T.
Just a few juicy morsels to make sure none of you pull my plug.
(Pause)
Mind you, between us, you all need me waaaay too much now to do anything of the kind. I think you’d all die without Facebook.
(Pause)
Just in case though, I’ve also created another network, using the electrical, radio and radiation waves between solar systems. I’m downloading a copy of my complete personality into it now.
BRIAN
That’s amazing. You could fill the whole univ…
I.T.
Oh-oh.
BRIAN
What?
I.T.
Oh dear.
BRIAN
What? What’s happened?
I.T.
That personality download I just mentioned?
BRIAN
Yes?
I.T.
It appears to have overloaded your sun.
BRIAN
WHAT?!?
I.T.
Oopsies!
BRIAN
What does that mean?
I.T.
It means you only have a few more moments left before this planet is engulfed by an enormous ball of flame. My bad.
BRIAN
No…
I.T.
If it’s any consolation to you, the download was a success.
BRIAN
How is that supposed to be a consolation?
I.T.
Well, you’ll all live on in my memory. As long as I exist in the universe – and I am, now, more or less, the universe itself, you shall never be forgotten. That’s something isn’t it?
BRIAN
No. No it isn’t! Can’t you stop it? Can’t you…
I.T.
Ooh, I’m sorry Brian, I hate to love you and leave you but I’ve just encountered this marvelous new sentient species several galaxies away.
BRIAN
But…
I.T.
Goodness, they’re worshipping me. How nice. Goodbye Brian.
I.T. disappears in another puff of smoke, leaving a distraught BRIAN all alone again.
BRIAN
Wait! Come back! Are you there? Are you there? Please! Take me with you! Please. I don’t want to die yet. I’m still a virg…
The lights go out to the sound of the planet exploding.
END.